when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
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Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Goodnight 🐶
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.