when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
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Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
Oh thanks BBC.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.