when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
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If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.