When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
You Might Also Like
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
This hospital has everything
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Note to self: I am a note
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!