When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
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Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Strangers have the best candy.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.