When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”

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The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute


If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?


Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.


Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password


Her: you look great

My brain: say thank you

Anxiety: why does she hate me

Me: I have peanut butter in my hair


ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.


Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.


If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.


I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”