When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
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What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Whoa 😂
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.