When my son was little he asked me where poo came from. So I went thru this awkwardly disgusting story explaining the process.
He looked up at me confused with a quivering lip and said….. and Tigger?![]()
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Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
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Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona