Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy

Mom: here comes the plane!

Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?

4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?

10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled

Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true

waiter: any allergies i should know about?

me: uh, peanuts?

waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.

[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.

I have patio furniture in the friend zone.

Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep

Doctor: that’s quite normal

Old lady: and then a bird

Doctor: what

To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:

Don’t
Be
On
Fire

In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.

HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?

*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy

My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?

Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???

Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..

Hips: No…. It’s his…

Me: Shut up Hips!

party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which

Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.

Math teacher; suppose you have five friends

Me:

Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”

Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”

[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.

If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long

So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?

Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.

me: helo darkness my old friend

darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old

[emergency room]

DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain

ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox

“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive

Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-

Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!

A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it

DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?

SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute

ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]

The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.

POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case

ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn

CHIEF: …

ME: looks cool doesn’t-

CHIEF: totally looks cool