When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
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My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb