when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
You Might Also Like
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
who will stop them
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him