When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
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7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Oh the world we live in…
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong