When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
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Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?