When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
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[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Put the is in disheveled
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
Ha
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow