When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
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United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
i did the math
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes