When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
You Might Also Like
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.