When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
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*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish