When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
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Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Natural selection at its finest
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought