When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
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If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.