when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
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I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Girlfriend: Babe would you still love me if I was human?
Me: Of course ba…wait, what?
*Her jaw unhinges*
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Received some very disappointing news today
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird