when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
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Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
One time, I gave a man a fish and he was like, thanks I’ll eat today, but what about tomorrow, so I taught him how to go to the grocery store.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
When they try to steal your moment.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.