When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
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Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are