When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
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There’s anxiety and then there’s my 4yo counting to 10 really fast because we’re playing hide and seek and oh my gosh I haven’t found a hiding spot yet
its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
my favorite genre of twitter
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ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
This week’s mood.
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[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
every video on here is a staged fight called something like “Was the Nurse Right to Yell at the Patient🤔” with 1.3M comments that say “imho if I were the nurse i would yell at the patient”
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
In a parallel universe, Mariah Carey is doing her shopping and is sick of hearing me on every store’s speaker system.
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
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{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Dying sensei: Please, be mindful.. If you remember just one thing… A butterfly flaps its wings… hurricane, across the world …
Me (writing down in my notebook): Butteflys Dangerous
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
Guys how long does it takes for popcorn to pop? I have already added 2 cups of water but still nothing