When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
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I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”