When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
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Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions