When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
You Might Also Like
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Smells like a challenge to me
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.