When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
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Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Perfect.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field