When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
You Might Also Like
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
the three genders
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.