when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
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First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed