When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
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Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.