When news reporters do sports stories
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I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.