When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
You Might Also Like
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet