When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
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Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.