When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
You Might Also Like
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
This has made my week.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Traveler’s camo
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
Has there ever been a more American story?
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents