When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
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AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
I laughed at this way too hard.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today