When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
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(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon