When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
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Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
bought wrong eggs
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
I’m sure it’s fine.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.