When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
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Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
New menu item
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”