When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.

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I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.


Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.


*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business


*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*


The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy


My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.


Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?

Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.


*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”


ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?


Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”

So now I have a tombstone to select