@Lottie_Poppie My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
@BlondAmbitionTO When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
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@Lottie_Poppie 
@UnFitz Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
@wolfmannjr *walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
@PandAmonnia *boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
@Reverend_Scott Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
@jakegarv3 Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
@sweetraccoons 
@joshgondelman Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
@writerPT I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
@VerifiedDrunk I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!