When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.

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My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here


Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?

Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?


*walks into Apple store


*walks out of Apple store


*boyfriend calls girlfriend*

Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”

Gf: “we’re breaking up”

Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”


Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*


Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.


Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.


I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.


I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!