@Maxine12333 If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
@BlondAmbitionTO When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
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@Maxine12333 
@ComradeToguro 
@WilliamRodgers *Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
@gavinprobably I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
@IGotsSmarts My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
@Brianhopecomedy *wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
@dimplesticks My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
@TheCareBare How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
@XplodingUnicorn Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
@joeldanger Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.