When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.

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If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.


*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce

-NEVER eats Salad again!

*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning

-NEVER reads again!


I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.

Then I get kicked out.


My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.


*wife stares at me*

*I stare at her*

*she frowns*

*I smile*

“You didn’t notice my new-”




My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake


Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.

1-year-old: *eats it*

*screams in pain*

Me: At least you learned your lesson.

1: *eats another one*


Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.