@BlondAmbitionTO

When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.

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@Lottie_Poppie

My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here

@UnFitz

Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?

Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?

@wolfmannjr

*walks into Apple store

“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”

*walks out of Apple store

@PandAmonnia

*boyfriend calls girlfriend*

Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”

Gf: “we’re breaking up”

Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”

@Reverend_Scott

Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*

@jakegarv3

Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.

@joshgondelman

Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.

@writerPT

I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.

@VerifiedDrunk

I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!