When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
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I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?