When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
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It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
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Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it