When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
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Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
In space, no one can hear…
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
You got this…
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old