Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible

The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge

Why do I have so many emails?

I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.

Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake

Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back

me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—

whoville 911: what was that

me: the grinch robbed me

whoville 911: no the weird part

I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS

Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.

My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…

Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.

I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”

Dear Satan…

For Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia.

My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.

Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.

Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.

me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better

I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.

Karate and loose meat sandwiches.

Welcome to Sloppy Dojo’s. I’ll be your sensei for this evening.

All salads come with our own roundhouse dressing

me: what’s your biggest turnoff

her: noisy people

me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same

Bit chilly again tonight.

Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.

Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.

Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.

Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.

There are a lot of reasons i will never shoot anyone, but somewhere on the list is “people reading everything I ever wrote on the internet”

Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/

I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are

He sampled.
He loved.
I bought.
He hates.

— an epic tale of love and hate featuring the Costco snacks I’ll now be eating for the next 45 days