@ShipInTheKnight

When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”

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@SortaBad

Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song

@Cpin42

A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”

@TattleTSister

“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.

@david8hughes

[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here

@bea_ker

I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.

@kwkorpi

My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.

@SashaBrenner

“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987

@Brampersandon_

Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?

@AndrewChamings

2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black

2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos