When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.” - @ShipInTheKnight

When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”

Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song

A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”

“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.

[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here

I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.

My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.

Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.

“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987

Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?

2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black

2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos

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