When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
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I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
me when I see my crush
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Aw man, but that’s the best part
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.