When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
You Might Also Like
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
I’m giving up for Lent.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
6: are snakes just neck?
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit