When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
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First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”