When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
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I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
they should invent a hydrating liquor
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Grandmother clock.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.