When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
You Might Also Like
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.