When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
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Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”