When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
You Might Also Like
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
Damn he played himself
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
#ThisMakesMeLaugh