When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
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Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
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why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
i hope my email finds you on fire
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
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My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.