When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
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I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
Dune (2021)
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.