when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
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I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
absolute chaos
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
operators are standing by to ignore your call
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.